I try to be upbeat as much as I can. It isn't always easy, but I've been around long enough to have already tried many of the possible responses to life. At one point or another, I've used rage, whining, and liquor; eating until I was stupefied; buying things nobody needs; working until I just couldn't anymore; and throwing myself headfirst off the cliff of a highly questionable romance. None of those methods ever fixed anything for more than a minute. And all of them left me with some kind of negative fallout to deal with. So whether I feel like it or not, I try hard to take the road less traveled: seeing the glass half full (or whatever platitude comes to mind at the time).
But that doesn't change the fact that there are just some things I don't like -- or even hate -- no matter how positive I try to keep my attitude. Today, just to prove I'm not really made of sugar and spice and everything unrealistic, I'm going to admit to five of them.
Some days, I'm on top of the world. I wake up rested. My hair acts right. A particularly feisty outfit matches the twinkle in my eye. I'm cracking jokes. My boss buys me coffee. I get good news in an email. And everybody likes me on Facebook.
Other days, I wake up at 4:30 in the morning and can't get that argument out of my head. I give up trying to go back to sleep and crawl out of bed feeling wiped out and cranky. I look in the mirror and see an ugly, old woman on her last legs. I shuffle into the kitchen to make coffee and can't even decide if I want it. "Is this how depression feels?" I ask myself and then wonder -- seriously -- if this is the first toddling steps toward suicide.
